something has been pressing me for the past several weeks, gradually increasing the pressure of my thoughts. it seems that the messages i've heard at church have complimented that pressure ... they have been what i would call 'confirming.' then, yesterday, i read a post by a fellow blogger and i have been a mess ever since.
i am convinced that couples - even singles who are in search of a lifemate - are led to 'tweed' for a purpose. oh yes, i understand that many employ it in their lives for various reasons; however, for those of us who seemed to be 'led into' the concept through circumstances, i believe it is a divine appointed lifestyle .. it has purpose. i believe that purpose is greater than our imaginations could ever fathom.
what is bugging me - more accurately, driving me crazy! - is that i have always desired to 'live life on purpose.' the past few years, i have fallen ... gotten back up ... fallen again ... gotten back up ... fallen again .. got .. uh well, you get the idea. i didnt lose the drive to live life on purpose, its still within me ... i just lost the courage.
probably the single most thing that gets me in the most trouble is the inner-frustration. there is SO much that i know should be in place, its that stuff that makes me ready for whatever God has for me ... well, now us ... this isnt just about me anymore. i have begun to truly understand that it isnt about us either ... its about something MUCH bigger. which makes the inner-frustration become more intense. its a lot like seeing something of value just out of reach of my fingertips, yet i know if i could grow just a fraction of an inch, i could grab it! so why dont i do what i need to do to grow that fraction of an inch?!?
i have exhausted myself of trying to figure out why or where i lost my self-control, self-discipline and self-motivation. the fact is that i have ... at least temporarily. hence tweed. my search for a man who could see who i was inside - that person i was created to be, that person i was before life turned me into what i am today, the person who is screaming to be set free again. i have found him and plan to marry him in 5 short months. the most prayed prayer for him is that God will show him how to 'encourage' me and help me to grow so that i can be prepared for the purpose i was created for ... i know its coming soon ... its coming fast ... i feel it. and i am not ready. that is not a good feeling.
tweed is on purpose. has purpose. so i can live my purpose. so we can be on purpose together.
8 comments:
Great post. Thank you for sharing. DD has purpose in my life as well. ttwd is slowly helping me get back on my feet. I’m sewing again, spending more time with my family and this constant need to hide is fading. I don’t know what I would have down without ttwd. I asked for it, got more than I bargained for and greater rewards than I ever hoped for.
That sounds like you were talking about me. It sounds like you know what you want, know what you need from God, life, your man. You are one of the lucky ones that you do!
missy - ever since i 'met' you, we have seemed be walking together in this journey. i am thinking i am getting to that place of 'more than i bargained for' but look forward to the 'greater rewards that i ever hoped for.'
CG - yes, i have a very defined vision of what i want .. perhaps thats the fuel of the frustration; however, it also fuels the passion to keep getting back up.
There is an older Contempory Christian song that talks asking God to give us His eyes so I can see His ears so I can hear and His so I can love. Well when the boys were little they sang it give my heart ears so I can hear. Those were profound words from children even though they didn't realize it. So for a long time my prayer was Lord, give my heart ears so that I can hear you.
You are soul searching and finding answers there. I know what you mean about just wanting to grow, in wisdom..and stretch yourself to get past old issues. Hold onto your faith..and be covered in his grace and mercy. I love the saying "I have a mustard seed, and. I'm not afraid to use it!"
annie - yes, ears to hear, but more importantly ears to listen .. ;)
stormy - 'i have a mustard seed and i'm not afraid to use it!' LOVE it! there is a lot of power in those words! thank you.
I know i tell you this alot and I know you know and I know you know LOL but i truly believe wants you too are married things will be so different and he can be soo attentive to your wants and needs right now its hard with the distance..
Anyway you got this you can do it and I'm here to make sure!!! :)
Thought: to me, the 'mustard seed' is a lot like the story of the woman who lost her precious coins. So always keep it where you know exactly where it is when you need your faith built...to grow; because as the coin was the woman's livelihood, so it is with faith...
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