i planned to blog some thoughts i had this morning, but before i got started, i read a newly posted blog from one that i follow. its amazing how closely i relate to her writings. her blog this morning caused me to weep. ah, yes ... the power of truth.
she spoke of her relinquishment of power. giving that precious control over to her husband. it in turn gave him confidence - not only as a man, but as her leader, protector, provider. control is a precious gift because, when it is relinquished, it means that a level of trust has been reached that provides the ability to pry our feminine fingers from something that we should not be grasping in the first place .. yet, in many cases, have been forced to hold sacred for survival sake.
she spoke of her struggle with depression and how her husband now had the 'power' to help her get out of bed in the morning. the blankets have been her comfort from the world, but now he is helping her overcome and become strong.
oh, how i wish i could hide under the blankets, but in a way i do. to be honest, i have been hiding behind (under) the 'blankets' of my job. i work upwards of 80+ hours per week, sometimes more. any spare moment is spent at my work computer. my boss benefits cuz he gets at least 3 employees for the one low price of one wage.
i used to have a life outside of work; raising my children (as a single mom), very active with outreaches (church related), my kids' sports activities, animals, plants, exercise ... all things of the past. life hit me hard, then hit me again and again and again. until i retreated into myself so far that the only thing that has provided any kind of sense of value is my job.
using a job to hide from life comes with a price just as anything one uses to shield them from their hauntings. but with a job, it is so much easier to justify because its a responsibility in normal circumstances. that becomes an enemy as well when one reaches the point of burn out. its like the 'blanket' i am hiding under is trying to betray me ... so i go deeper under the covers, holding on even tighter.
oh, for that peace, comfort, confidence and hope that comes from getting to a point of relinquishing that precious gift of control. God, help me.
8 comments:
Thank you. I am getting up now. Coffee and then read with my children. I needed a reminder that I can’t hide from the world.
o honey you made me cry... ik all about hiding for comfort..over the past 2yrs i went from alcohol to rx drugs to school..i was hiding from God and the whole truth of life...once i came back to God he took all that away and i found a new found blanket my hoh..however lifestyle not perfect but i just have peace and trust in God he will take care of it... i will b praying for you..God Bless and i will be praying
I think I'm really going to enjoy reading about your journey. Be sure to keep posting!
Walk away!!! I did the exact same thing that you are doing now. I buried myself in my job and turned my back on everything else, my husband, my family, my God. Everything. Those were the dark years. I tried to hide from the problems in my life. I was a very important figure at my job. People needed me, appreciated me, took care of me and I felt that it was the only place that I mattered. Guess what, it wasn't and when it all came crashing down I realized I was just another employee on a long list of employees that would come and go.
The best thing I ever did was walk away. I lost a lot of myself in doing so but found something even more wonderful. I found my life again, I found my husband again and I found an incredible love in him that I wouldn't trade for the world. It has been almost ten years now and I am still haunted by that job. It wasn't worth the price that I almost had to pay to have it. Had I stayed I would have lost everything, my husband, my future, my life as I knew it. The sad thing was at the time I thought the only thing important was that job. It wasn't the important thing was the man that I was ignoring and the family that still needed me even if they didn't show it as teen-agers.
From losing identity as a big manager and leader I gained a much more important identity as a wife, friend, lover, mother and now as a grandmother. Those are the things that are important. Your job will go on with or without you.
Sorry if I sound like I am preaching, I just never want anyone to lose the years that my husband and I lost together because of a stupid job.
I didn’t make the bed but I didn’t stay under the covers. It may seem like only a little but two comments on my writings made all the difference today. I don’t know how I found your bog. I guess it was just meant to be. Thank you
little missie - we have a connection. i wont make too much of it, but i believe paths cross for a reason fashioned from above. we have both inspired each other ... thats proof enough.
daisy - i am not ready to reveal too much, but i will say i am still struggling with 'alternative measures' when it comes to dealing with life. God has put a man in my life whom i hope helps me get to the other side of that pit.
janet - thank you for your words, i understand them, believe them, but lack the courage at the moment to put them into action. its hard to peel the grip from the only thing that has held me up from drowning for so long. (note: my children are grown and i have been single for way too long)
oh - and B'man, i am not sure what motivated your comment but thank you.
Anything that gets me moving is something. I got a lot of work done today that needed to be done and still have more to do.
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